Modest clothing for women may not be the solution to the lust problem in men. I can attest that it definitely has never been the solution for me.
Earlier this month I read a sarcastic article about how pictures of men in suits and read that the men were making “Sisters-in-Christ” stumble with their business suits. This was a response to debates about modest clothing for women. Basically, women are told to "cover up" by men because it makes men lust.
However, past the irony and satire of the article, a sense of shame shadowed over me. I used to be an ignorant young man who victimized himself at the hands of beautiful women.
Earlier this month I read a sarcastic article about how pictures of men in suits and read that the men were making “Sisters-in-Christ” stumble with their business suits. This was a response to debates about modest clothing for women. Basically, women are told to "cover up" by men because it makes men lust.
However, past the irony and satire of the article, a sense of shame shadowed over me. I used to be an ignorant young man who victimized himself at the hands of beautiful women.
My confession regarding modest clothing for women:
I used to reject the appreciation I had for beautiful woman. This caused me to twist it and call it sin (or lust). Labeling it "sin" and "lust" made me dive into it more and made me feel icky. I would tell women to dress more modestly because I chose to be a victim of the great religious lie that says that my lust problem is rooted in modest clothing for women.
Here's my deep dark secret:
I lusted over women who wore modest clothes just as much as women who wore skimpy clothes.
This was especially true when women wore seemingly modest tight clothes and dresses. More clothes meant that I could do more with my imagination. Even still. I'd say to myself, women’s clothing these days is provocative, dresses are provocative, bikinis are provocative, one piece swimsuits are provocative, etc.
The conversation that turned my world upside down
One day I was having a conversation with my father about lust. I was struck with a sense of ownership over my problem. My father said that I needed freedom from my own bondage of sin. I need to acknowledge that God had created woman beautiful. He said that I need to appreciate His creation in its entirety. That conversation changed my life. I realized that I have control over what a woman meant to me. Owning my problem with lust freed me.
Freedom from lust
Now I appreciate women and their beauty in their entirety. As for "Sisters-in-Christ?" - They are daughters of God. They are beautiful. They are people, not objects of lust. They have concerns. They have fears. They have dreams. They have desires. God has a plan for their lives. And He's their dad. He has the ability to smack you silly if you mess with His daughters and their hearts.
The real problem is not modest clothing for women
The problem is not a lack of modest clothing for women at all. The problem is our mindsets and how we see women in the first place. Before gaining freedom from my lustful desires, something appearing provocative was rooted in who I was. It was not rooted in the person wearing the clothing in the first place.
What are your thoughts about modest clothing for women and this article. I'd like to know what you think.
Blog photograph by Ernest Favis, with permission.
Great article, Samuel! Your transparency may speak to many who still hide the real source of their lust behind the "modest dress" excuse.
ReplyDeleteIn tandem with this "modesty" perspective is the "men-are-visual" myth. That men are no more visual than women is verifiable by how female students usually dominate art classes.
The visual myth's cop-out parallels that of the "modesty" myth, blaming lust on the beauty of God's creation rather than on a self-indulgent way of seeing. Self-gratification defines the adulterous look condemned by Jesus in Matthew 5:28. I've written to bust this myth (www.pastordavidrn.com/files/DangerousMaleMyth.html).
Thanks for reading and sharing. It's pretty eye opening all the assumptions we tend to take upon ourselves.
ReplyDeleteYour comments regarding men's self control through their spirituality are spot on, however, clothing styles have changed drastically in the last few decades. It seemed as if suddenly the decades old baggy look was out and the skinny jeans and skin-tight fitted tank tops as a shirt with bra straps showing was acceptable. This included the thin, multi-strap and miscellaneous colored strap look. Skin tight capris also made their appearance then the so-called yoga pants and leggings/tights became acceptable as outerwear and daily wear. They've never been acceptable to me, and I guarantee you God doesn't like the arrogance of the 'flaunt it if you've got it' mentality that's overtaken society with selfie-mania and anything goes pseudo stardom that so many crave.
ReplyDeleteSuccess in seeing a woman purely doesn't depend on her clothing. A focus on garments or their absence reveals a heart still caught up in sexually objectifying the female body. If she's been socially duped into seeking attention through dress styles, then pity and pray for her. But never stop seeing her body as God does: a potential temple that physically embodies His image. If not, then pray to gain Christ's eyes, to see her as our Lord does. In this area, I guarantee, God accepts no excuses by any Christian man. He is relentlessly after a changed heart.
DeleteRight, but there is freedom in looking at a woman with pure eyes no matter what she wears. There's always two sides to this lust problem and it resides in personal choice of what you do with something beautiful.
DeleteNot all that long ago, a woman showing a knee or even an ankle was considered scandalous in America, and men were arrested for going topless at beaches. Defining something as "wrong" is often a knee-jerk response to encountering something outside of our normal experience. It's always easier to point a finger than to question our own assumptions.
DeleteTwenty years ago, as a "baby" Christian, I too wrestled with lust. I was taught that women should dress "modestly" and that men should "bounce their eyes" whenever recognizing a woman's desirability. These principles, despite good intentions, tend to lead people to believe that a woman's body is an inherently sexual "forbidden fruit", ironically resulting in increased inner turmoil and female objectification. Worldwide statistics show that the more covered a woman is expected to be, the greater increase in misogyny and rapes.
Much of this turmoil is caused by confusing recognition with desire. The Hebrew word translated "covet" is chamad (חמד) which is commonly translated into English as "covet", "lust", and "strong desire." Since covet and lust are the same word in the original language; the only difference is that one translation applies to things, the other applies to people.
Recognizing that a woman is desirable is not the same thing as desiring the woman for yourself. This paradigm shift in thinking has freed me from a cycle of self-loathing (from constantly failing to avert my eyes) and sexual objectification. Since I no longer see through a lens colored by my struggles with lust, I'm able to more fully appreciate all aspects of people, including myself.
God never intended for the human body to be defined as sexual and shameful. For some, this may come as a surprise: There are no explicit commandments against nudity, and only a few interpreted as anti-nudity through culturally-induced misunderstandings of scripture. There are many instances of nudity ignored (or nowadays re-visualized as clothed) in the Bible, such as God commanding prophets to go nude while preaching, fishermen and gardeners working nude in Jesus' day, Jesus draping his cloak over his shoulder to wash the disciples' feet, children playing nude, nude beggars needing cloaks for protection against the elements, Jesus' nude crucifixion and nude resurrection, etc. The directive for women to dress "modestly" in church was a prohibition against elevating one's status, a verse often misapplied to the realm of sexuality. Nudity and the human body simply wasn't as big a deal to them as it is for us. What matters to God is what's in our hearts.
God's teachings boil down to love --loving Him, loving each other, and loving ourselves. Society elevates the sexual above all else, as we can see in advertising, movies, television and magazines. It's virtually impossible to emerge from this culture completely unscathed. But with learning comes wisdom. A woman's clothes do not define who they are. Seeing through the lustful eyes is not man's intended nature, it's a reflex propagated by cultural influence -- a reflex for which we can take responsibility and one we can change.
I have personally experienced this change, and it warms my heart to see others like Mr. Hatton give voice to theirs. Because I focus on their hearts and minds, not their skin, I now enjoy healthier interaction with women, whether their clothes are baggy, skimpy, or even completely absent. There's nothing more freeing than a clean conscience. Clothes don't hide us from Him or make us better than we are. Our hearts shine through. Since that's His focus, it must also be ours.
I appreciate your thoughts Matt. You are spot on. It's amazing what a paradigm shift can do for your life in how you interact with (quite literally) half the world. You put it so eloquently, "...whether their clothes are baggy, skimpy, or even completely absent. There's nothing more freeing than a clean conscience."
DeleteSamuel - very good points, because you're right, men can lust about women whether they're in bikinis or snowsuits! It's a matter of the man's heart.
ReplyDeleteModesty for a woman is a matter of the woman's heart, too, though. I find in Scripture the complementary principles that (1) I am entirely responsible to God for my own actions, and (2) I am equally responsible to God for how I influence others (Romans 14:3). Women are called to adorn themselves modestly (1 Timothy 2:9), though the application of that principle varies.
Your article rightly (and very helpfully) identifies a man's problem with lust the same way Jesus did, as that which is already within the man (Matthew 15, Mark 7). For men to claim that "modestly dressed" women will somehow free them from lust misses the source, and you nailed it. At the same time, women need to be taught much the same thing regarding modesty - it's a heart issue, and when her heart is first toward God and second toward not being a stumbling block, her unique beauty will be adorned in godliness.
Thanks for sharing John. Issues of the heart can only be taken care of on an inner level. And to the women reading, the type of man who will look past your sexy or not attire and still finds you attractive is probably the type of man that finds something deeper.
ReplyDeleteI also really appreciate that you posted this. I'm a 17 year old girl. My dad has been teaching me this idea for a long time. The idea that its not a woman's fault for mans lust needs to spread. It's a personal problem that differs from man to man, I would imagine, because there are some of my guy friends I wouldn't mind wearing a bikini around, and other guys I wouldn't want to be on the same beach with while wearing a one piece and shorts. It's not a matter of what I'm wearing, but of what they are thinking.
ReplyDeleteAlso I think it's a shame that people so readily accept men to be uncontrollably lustful beings. I would imagine it should hurt your pride deeply that everybody considers you to be slaves to your own desires as a given. Even if it's close to the truth I think half of the human population should have a lot more guts to say that it doesn't have to be that way.
Well said. It's nice to have a dad that has some ownership over his thoughts. It used to be such a foreign concept to me. But it's profound. Thanks for sharing :D
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ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!. SizeGenie is your personal body scanner . Quickly and accurately take your measurements so you always get the perfect fit when buying clothes online. Body-Cloud is the creator of SizeGenie , with a Kickstarter campaign on the way aiming to change fashion shopping for good.
ReplyDelete